Angelina Jolie and Catherine Zeta-Jones are locked in battle over who will play the role of Elizabeth Taylor in a major biopic of her life. The diva rivals are obsessed with Liz Taylor, they both have Oscars and they both sport controversy. Catherine Zeta-Jones is often caught saying stupid things in public, like during her recent Tony award for her Broadway show:  “See that man there [Michael Douglas], he’s a movie star and I get to sleep with him every night.” Urgh. Angelina Jolie is probably more famous for being an epic home-wrecker and adopting half of the Third World. Like the Hollywood legend that is Elizabeth Taylor, both women are hugely melodramatic and in their ways both would suit the role. We think they should thrash it out with a game of Total Wipeout. Now who wouldn’t pay to see that?

Over 100million Facebook users have had their personal details published on the Net. Security consultant Ron Bowes collected and released data to ‘highlight privacy issues’. So now the world has access to 100 million pages of deeply mundane information, ranging from what people are eating for breakfast, their relationship status and who is drinking what and where. It also highlights how virtually no-one online can spell properly. Facebook argue that the information Bowes released is already freely available on the Internet. But Simon Davies from Privacy International watchdog tells the BBC: “Facebook should have anticipated this attack and put measures in place to prevent it.”

Carnivorous flies with a taste for human blood are on the rampage in the South of England thanks to this year’s warm, wet summer. Blandford flies are found near rivers and ponds in the South of England, but have been spreading to towns and cities thanks to our love of garden water features. The bites themselves aren’t too painful, but the after effects can leave the victim writhing in agony. These bites also tend to become infected, with many people developing cellulitis. In layman terms, it hurts like hell and your skin will resemble that of Freddie Kruger. So be careful!

As the remake of The A-Team premiers in London, Mr T who originally played Sergent BA Baracus has panned the film for having too much sex and violence. He ‘pities the fool” (HOORAY!) who took the new film in that direction. The Telegraph reports how on seeing the screening, Mr T said: People die in the film and there’s plenty of sex but when we did it, no-one got hurt and it was all played for fun and family entertainment. These seem to be elements nobody is interested in anymore. It was too graphic for me.” Aw, despite his hard man exterior Mr T is clearly a gigantic big pussy cat. Unlike Quinton “Rampage” Jackson who plays Mr T this time around. He recently courted controversy by saying “acting is kind of gay.” He probably feels that starring in an ultra violent movie is his chance to Man Up. Bless.

The ‘24-Hour drinking culture’ brought in by the previous Labour government didn’t work, resulting in a nation of pisshead Neanderthals who can’t control their drink. MPs at the time figured that extending opening hours would introduce a Mediterranean culture of wine-sipping and Waitrose-sponsored dinner parties with h’orderves and cocktails. But Boozy Britain had other ideas. Every weekend tribes of lardy ladettes dripping with orange fake-tan and ill-fitting mini skirts and boob tubes descend on town centres in a cloud of Impulse body spray. You can see them drinking Blue WKD from wine glasses because ‘it’s posh’. Hoards of lads in their monochromatic Ben Sherman shirts and white trainers get trashed on strong lager and alchopops. The boys and girls come together in a glorious display of fighting, puking and shagging on every high street and every back alley in the land. But not for long… the government has finally clicked that in reality the UK is not like a John Lewis advert, and they want to bring in ‘tougher action’ to crack down on Britain’s drinking culture. Good luck with that…

If one couple were to represent all that is wrong in the world, it is Katie Price and Alex Reid. This time they face charges for breaching the peace after Reid’s cage-fighter pals attacked paparazzi. In a church. The Sun reports that the police are scanning the ITV2 reality horror show ‘Katie and Alex, For Better For Worse’ for evidence of the punch up. In fact police are taking the claims so seriously that ITV2, Katie and Alex could all face charges for incitement offences. We were shocked that the vicar allowed Katie Price and her Carnival of Chav into the church in the first place. This must come as a blow to Mrs Reid after her failed pop career and her flopped fifth autobiography. Ah well, at least her tacky exploits keep us entertained. Bitch on, bitch on…

X-Factor hopefuls indulged in a bit of Rock n Roll action by getting hammered and trashing Wembley’s finest £49.00-per-night Premier Inn near the Fountain Studios where the reality contest is filmed. Around 20 contestants were letting off steam after their intense rehearsal schedule. So they spent Thursday night drinking vodka, cider, whiskey and rose wine before rampaging through the hotel damaging property and dancing around naked. Classy. Things got so bad that police turned up in full riot gear. X-Factor bosses have agreed to pay the damages for destroyed signs and pictures, and even a torn down door. Can you imagine Alexandra Burke or Leona Lewis indulging in such things? No, because they are nice but boring. Hurling TVs out of hotel windows is staple Rock Action, we’re just amused that it’s happened on X-Factor!

The late, great and utterly bonkers King of Pop is revealed to have a stash of Nazi videos and memorabilia. The Daily Mail reports that the New York post reports Michael Jackson had a ‘secret stash’ of Nazi documentaries that ‘he didn’t even try to hide’. Meaning that they probably weren’t that secret. Anyhoo, it seems as though Jacko was obsessed with Hitler and the Third Reich, but according Norman Scherer, his dealer (yes, he had a Nazi stuff dealer) he was more interested in the military uniforms and marching steps than the Final Solution. In fact Scherer also says that Jackon’s ideal night in involved a Hitler Documentary, followed by a Judy Garland film. And some maltesers.

Whistleblower site Wikileaks has blown the lid off the war in Afghanistan, releasing over 90,000 classified documents that reveal how the war is one huge military disaster. The reports reveal that many civilian deaths have gone unreported, including a bus full of school children and a wedding party – oh, and it was the coalition forces that killed them. Other details include how the Taliban have murdered over 2,000 innocent victims with their deadly roadside bombs, and how the US are using unmanned drone planes that they operate remotely – and by remotely we mean from Nevada, USA. These documents reveal scenes of utter chaos and carnage, and may lead to renewed doubts over President Obama’s current ‘Surge’ strategy. We feel sorry for the people who leaked these documents – clearly they will be toast the moment the US government gets their mits on them.

Top of the Pops might just might be returning to our screens, but this time it will be on Channel Five. Media mogul Richard Desmond who owns the Daily Express is currently in talks to buy the TV channel - apparently he’s bidding a trifling £100 million. And if successful he wants “to create a series of landmark shows in peak time”, telling colleagues he believes that a live music programme would “win a big audience”. Top of the Pops was canned by the BBC in 2006, although they still run their Christmas/New Year specials, which are as essential to the festivities as Quality Street and the Queen’s speech. The Beeb still own the rights to TOTP, so buying the programme might be expensive. But Desmond doesn’t seem like the type of tycoon to let something like money get in the way. And it would be tres cool if the music show made a comeback!

Hubble bubble toil and trouble, give me hair of stoat, the bobtail of a hare, and the strongest beer in the world poured from the mouth of a dead squirrel. No, we’ve not taken leave of our senses, nor are we indulging in a spot of witchcraft. Extreme brewers BrewDog have launched the world’s strongest and most expensive beer. The End of History, as it is called, clocks in at 55%vol and is £500 per bottle. Oh, and the bottles are made out of dead animals. BrewDog co-founder says: “We want to show people there is an alternative to monolithic corporate beers, introduce them to a completely new approach to beer and elevate the status of beer in our culture.” Erm, via the medium of dead rodents? How absurd.

A manhunt is underway for a serial flasher, but the only thing the police have to go on is, erm, his manhood. The perpetrator took pictures of his penis, adorned with a bright yellow bow. Aw, pretty. He then displayed the posters around the sleepy town of Lewes in Sussex. The posters had the caption “Fees set to rise this year”. Ah, we get it, rise! Ahem. The police are analysing the posters for fingerprints and are interviewing potential witnesses. Not that there is much to shout about, apparently the images weren’t too impressive. In fact a Sussex Police spokesperson tells the BBC Online that: “From what we’ve seen if this is a self-portrait, the artist won’t be in a hurry to be identified.” Hehehee.

It seems as though Cheryl has recovered from Malaria, but is developing Cabin Fever instead. The pop princess is reportedly stepping up security at her Surrey mansion to ‘help her recover faster’. These measures include new security staff, more frequent patrols heat sensors and state of the art cameras. Despite all these precautionary steps, Cole hasn’t actually received any threats. It’s a bit over the top. Perhaps she could try resting in bed with an endless supply of Lucozade, Jaffa Cakes and chicken soup? That might do the trick. Simon Cowell recently revealed that Cheryl was ‘bored out of her mind’ at home. And it’s showing. We bet she’ll go crazy, create a sterile bedroom filled with CCTV monitors to keep an eye over her property, and ban all germs – finally emerging looking like a well-manicured but crazed cave-woman.

It’s not uncommon for people to take injured or abandoned animals into their homes to help them recover and call them their own. Chicks that have fallen from nests, baby hedgehogs, cute rabbits… all this is normal. But skunks?! You would have thought that would be crossing the line, but not for a northwestern Iowa family in the US. Someone in the family found a baby skunk and brought it home to keep as a pet. This lasted a few weeks before the skunk developed rabies. The entire family, including 20 extended family members were exposed to the disease, and the family dog. They all ended up in hospital, apart from the dog who is now in quarantine for six months. Apart from the risk of life-threatening disease, you’ve got to ask how filthy their house was if a skunk would fit in as a family pet? Skunks have anal scent glands that produce a liquid that stinks of rotten eggs, garlic and burned rubber. It can cause temporary blindness and can be smelled up to a mile away. Bleurgh.

“Only if it has a teaspoon shaped like an inverted cross and the tea set is littered with hypersexual Illuminati references,” says Vicar GaGa. Yes folks, Lady Gaga is reportedly set to be the face of Twinnings Tea. A source tells The Sun that: “They want to market tea to a younger generation, particularly in America, and GaGa is making drinking tea cool again.” Which is all well and good, but can you imagine your gran having a nice cup of “GaGa DiscoStick Tea-Juice” or “Munch On My Muffin Darjeeling”?  No. But we hope GaGa makes tea sexy. If anyone can do it, she can!

How much would you fork out for a car wash? £2.50? £5.00? What about a whopping £7,200? Car washer extraordinaire Gurcharn Sahota has struck soapy gold with his business idea of cleaning some of the world’s most expensive cars, and charging through the nose for it. He figures that if you can afford a Lamborghini then you can afford to get it cleaned properly. And we’re not talking a bucket of soapy water and a quick wax – it takes Sahota up to 250 hours to wash, polish and buff the car to perfection, using a concoction of over 100 cleaning fluids and very expensive wax (over £8000 per tub). And if that’s not enough, he then uses a forensic microscope to find minute scratches that are invisible to the human eye. His reputation for being as clean as a whistle has spread – he cleans cars for the mega-rich and mega-famous. Fair enough.  Personally, I let Mother Nature wash my car when it rains.

Are you scared of hitting your 30s? Don’t be! A new survey has revealed that most women hit their beauty peak at 31 years. They still have a bit of youthful beauty left, but they have oodles of confidence and are a lot more stylish than teenagers. And they have less acne. It also explains why certain A-listers have remained ’31 years old’ for at least the past four years, including Katie Price. In fact the glamour model is so obsessed with clinging on to her 31-face that she overdid the collagen fillers and has given herself a beak, a la Daffy Duck. Of course these facts and figures change on an annual basis, depending on who is hitting the headlines and their average age. Next year we expect the ‘most beautiful age’ to increase to 38 years and by 2015 this will have risen to 52 - you know, to cope with the aging population. Despite the popularity of Botox, we predict that eventually wrinkles will be the new black!

Lindsay Lohan starts her 90-day jail sentence in the Lynwood Correctional Facility, LA, which will actually be a two-week sentence thanks to overcrowding. The Hollywood actress checked in with freshly bleached hair and an unfeasible trout pout (seriously, why do some women want to look like blow-up sex dolls?). Is she hoping to meet Sam Ronson the Second whilst behind bars? According to The Sun she won’t have too much trouble after she was welcomed by “the screams of lesbian gangs desperate to get a piece of her.” Lohan will be residing in the not-so-luxurious ‘special wing’ along with some dangerous inmates and nasty guards. One inmate told The Sun: “She’s going to get roughed up by the guards. Everyone will want a piece of her and, if a guard is evil, he may leave a cell door unlocked, if you know what I mean.” Poor Lohan, we don’t envy her one bit.

PM Posh Boy David Cameron met with President Obama during his visit to the Whitehouse and managed to embarrass us all in his lame attempt to be ‘street’. Sure, he discussed things like UK-US foreign policy, the war in Afghanistan and why the Lockerbie bomber was ever released. But then he had to spoil it all by presenting Obama with some graffiti art. Graffiti art?! Like Cameron has his own tag or something? (NOTE: yes, it’s the Eton College Coat of ArmZ). Jeez it’s like watching your dad trying to bodypop at a wedding. Painful. David, David, David there is no way you can out-cool Obama. He’s THE man. He oozes class. You are a simpering toff with a huge forehead and you will never, ever be trendy. Now finish reading your Fox Hunter Weekly before you go poke fun at the council estate oiks…

They promised it wouldn’t happen, but it has. The coalition government are keen to introduce a ‘Death Tax’ of £20,000 to be paid by the elderly, whether they need care or not. The money is set to fund long term care for the elderly, but at the same time the government want to slash spending on the NHS and reduce social care, particularly for the elderly. It doesn’t add up. The idea was originally touted by Labour but the Tories viciously opposed it during the election run-up. Of course now they’re in power they can do anything they damn well want. And they will. We’re not forgetting the Lib Dems by the way, it’s just they don’t really count anymore. Let’s sit back and watch Britain turn into a giant Tesco car park whilst the old/unemployed/marginalised people with no money or prospects admire Cameron’s edgy Graffiti art. Aces.